Judgment Days

From our very conception we have been judged. In the name of health and well-being nurses and doctors tracked our growth to be sure we were developing as expected. Once born, we are bathed in an environment of opposites that teaches us about ourselves, our world and others. You are good or bad. Situations are black or white. Things are hot or cold. There seems to be nothing that exists that doesn't have a defined opposite.

We become so adept at judgment that oft times it is done without any conscious thought or intent. In mere moments we scan a situation or person, assessing and categorizing them based on our personal intake. It appears that there are no humans that escape this modus operandi. I would like to say I am the exception to the rule, but I would be lying. I have met a few who piously claim they are not judgmental, only to find them several days later calling another a "jerk". Just for the record, that falls under the category of judgmental.

We are also taught to not judge others, a judgment of judgment thrown into the mix to add further to the conundrum we find ourselves immersed in; judgment now becoming a moral dilemma. This dictate feels futile for as we discussed earlier, that's our navigational system for our entire existence and we are simply left to feel even more judgmental; this time, about ourselves.

In fact, we believe so strongly in our judgments that we begin to believe with great conviction that we are the almighty "right". Surely when we're right, they must be wrong; solidifying polarization on an even deeper level as we place ourselves on the "I'm superior to you" pedestal.

So if we can't completely escape what appears to have been hardwired into our brains, where does that leave us? I do not profess to have all the answers, only the ones that have worked for me thus far, as I'm a work in progress.

Step one is acceptance. Based on the knowledge that we can't function in this realm without the tool of judgment, we need to honestly accept that this is part of our humanity. Please note I said part of our humanity, not all. That's key because that's where step two comes into play.

Step two is conscious decisions. Now that we know and understand our dynamics a bit more, we can make more informed choices as we travel about our days. Which "part" of ourselves are we going to put into action? I suggest you ask yourself this the next time you become aware of a judgmental thought: "Is this necessary or important?" If the thoughts rattling around in your brain are simply commenting on the humid weather, than perhaps that's a necessary observation as you might need or want to seek physical comfort. But, if you're focus is the unfortunate size and shape of the woman's butt that happens to be in front of you, I'd put that on the spectrum of "not important". Here lies your choice and this is one of the tools I utilize when I find myself traveling down the "not necessary" road, I abruptly cease my judgmental thought and simply say in my mind to that individual, "May you be happy and healthy." It really can be that simple, and in keeping with the concept of judgment, is a much kinder approach to others that allows you the chance to then not get caught up in the vicious cycle of self-judgment.

Step three is realizing that you are part of the problem. Indeed there may be times when we are "right". Aunt Sally is downing a case of beer a day and she doesn't understand your concern with this behavior, that falls under the category of being "right". Being "right" does not automatically put one in the category of superior, however, and that's where we actually convey an energy that is more likely to keep another more entrenched in the exact behavior or action we have been judging. I think we can all agree that no one responds well to being judged. An air of judgment headed our way usually puts us in a defensive mode, feeling as though we need to justify and truly protect ourselves. Thus, we are more likely to disregard and discount another's suggestions or insights and stay fully enmeshed in the behavior or mode that is in question.

Step four is being an example. As hard as we try, and we have all tried too many times to count, we can not control another's behaviors. Perhaps our role in each others' lives is not to be the judge and jury, but simply an example. Emulate the behavior and actions you suggest another embody, that is the only place our power lies and is one that is more likely to create or support a change in others.

Step five is to repeat, repeat, repeat all the steps listed above. In practicing a less judgmental approach we are not always going to get it "right", don't worry I'm not judging you, but we can "get it better".

Be well and happy.

Gardening

We’re all gardeners. Personally, I despise the traditional sense of gardening. I’ve planted plenty of veggies and such in days gone by and am left with unpleasant memories of the whole process. (I just heard a gasp from one of the readers that loves to toil in their garden as they connect to the Earth and the plants with their dirt encrusted fingers. Okay, well, that’s not my thing. Can we move on?) Today, I simply love to eat the fruits of another’s labors. Enough said.

So, exactly what type of gardening am I talking about?

I’m referring to the seeds we plant each and every day into one another’s minds and lives. Sometimes we do it with intention because it’s part of our vocation or because our input has been sought, and in other instances it occurs quite inconspicuously as we engage in conversation with each other.

The seeds are as varied as the plant life we encounter on our planet, taking the form of words, ideas and actions both small and large. They are a hybrid of our own life lived. In planting these seeds we have offered someone potential- for growth, change and possibilities. A new way of thinking, feeling, living and experiencing their life.

So now you see these seeds are indeed quite powerful and meaningful to our existence together.

Some may blossom right before our eyes as a new understanding comes to life for the person sitting across from us. Most, however, appear to lie dormant and soon enough we become distracted and move on to the next plot, known as a person, in hopes of seeing yet another kernel that we’ve planted bud. Unfortunately, we are not often rewarded with witnessing the manifestations of most seeds we’ve sown. And that, I have learned, is as it should be.

Unlike the farmer that gathers his crops, we are not meant to harvest all that we’ve planted. It is not about us and what we have done, dear ego, but is simply an offering to another to do with as they deem fitting. Our ego wants to see and know that we’ve made a difference or had an impact. But the soul is not attached to the outcome whatsoever because it knows that the very act of planting a seed has changed that individual forever, no matter if we observe its fruition.

Don’t believe me? Call to mind the traditional sense of gardening I’ve mentioned above. When we put that physical seed in the ground, even the tiniest of seeds has shifted the earth around it. Nothing will ever be the same once its presence has been known. So too it is with that which we sow in the lives of our fellow human beings, and that’s enough. And that’s beautiful. Be like the wind, content to plant a seed and knowing that when the time is right it shall bloom forth in all its glory.

Be well and happy.

Problematic

Part of me feels like I shouldn’t be writing about this topic at all because you already know the truth of what I’m about to say. Yet, I found myself explaining this truth to a few individuals since last we chatted and for me that’s a sign to put it out there, thus I will.  But, perhaps we will keep it short and simple because it really is not complicated.

Any time there is an issue in any relationship, not just an intimate one but most especially an intimate one, someone needs to be brave enough to bring it to light. We’ve all been guilty of letting the fear of a possible increase in the conflict snap our mouths closed. We say nothing lest it create more tension- at least that’s our initial theory.

But… you know what I’m about to say, don’t you? Ignoring the issue only fuels the energy behind it and eventually it, and you, will implode and explode. The implosion is like a slow death as the distance between the individuals becomes a vast chasm, each person pulling into themselves. The explosion is the grand finale where everyone must duck for cover because words, thoughts, feelings and actions have been weaponized while passing time in their bunker of resentment.

The practice of keeping your mouth shut to keep the peace is a disaster waiting to happen, and it often does. Nothing can be rectified if never owned or spoken of; and by the time it shoots like a cannon into your life, that small, initial irritation has become a systemic cancer that devours your relationship.

See, you know this. You get what I’m saying, yet so many times I witness the deer in the headlights stare as others dare to contemplate discussing a serious concern with someone in their life. We’ve all been there.

And if we do dare to speak our truth in an attempt at honesty, we cringe when the others’ reaction is less than favorable. See, I never should have said anything is our first thought. But the problem isn’t in saying something, the problem is the problem; and by zipping our mouths shut tight we only make it bigger and badder.

So, what I offer you this week is a refresher course on the importance communicating with those in your life, it is an act of love that we all deserve.

Be well and happy.

(Per Google you are now required to have a Google account in order to read/follow this blog. My hope is that you consider doing just that.)

Body Language

I’m going to suggest something that many of you have never considered, it’s time to talk to your body. Better yet, listen to your body. You know that ache or lingering illness you’ve been dealing with? It’s a message that you shouldn’t ignore or simply mask with the latest newfangled medicine, despite what the commercial says.

I don’t suggest that you suffer. Please, seek and take medical advice as you deem fit but don’t stop there. After you’ve chatted with the doc, or even before, make time for a tete-a-tete with the physical form where you reside. Chances are you feel a bit befuddled as to how to begin that process, no one ever took the time to teach us said skill when we were tooling about in our childhood forms, but it’s all really quite simple. 

First take note of what body part(s) are calling your attention, perhaps via sickness or any form of discomfort. Step two is comprised of questions for that part, or parts, that you’ve now noticed. Potential questions might be, “What are you trying to teach or show me?” or, “What emotion is being held in this space?” and most importantly, “What do you need from me?”

Some find this direct approach a bit overwhelming, as though they’re attempting to converse with another from some foreign land and cannot get past the communication barrier. This is when we put visualization into play.

Once more, give focus to those body parts calling to you, and this time identify what it is you see there. It may be a color, an energy or any of the upteen billion possible physical manifestations that we might know or create with our imagination. The sky’s the limit here, meaning there is no right or wrong thing to see in your mind’s eye. Take note of the feeling or energy conveyed by what it is you observe. Lastly, imagine that the vision you are holding can speak. What would it say? What message does it come to share?

It is in these 1:1’s that you will learn what lies yet unresolved in your being and what you can do to transform and heal those aspects. Your body will readily divulge its secrets and wisdoms to you, you need only take time to ask.

Some might find it odd that I suggest a conversation with our bodies, but perhaps it’s even odder that we are housed in this shell of skin and bones for, well, our entire life, and forget to communicate with it. I’m sure you’ve heard of the whole mind-body connection thing, but let’s take it to another level and utilize our minds to actually connect with the body.

Most often our response to any physical distress is frustration, yet we fail to realize that for many of our days here on Earth our bodies take a beating from a vast array of sources. A large majority of those assaults come from our own hands, the choices we’ve made all the days leading up to the varying ailments. The technique I discuss above opts for compassion for our bodies versus annoyance.

Here’s another secret, you don’t have to wait until your body is in misery before listening to what it has to share. It’s been talking to you all along, you’ve simply taken it for granted and ignored its previous calls. It’s a private number, one no medical professional can gain access to because it is the wisdom and teaching that reside solely within you. Perhaps it’s time to say ‘hello’ to the stranger sitting in the same seat as you, that which your soul literally embodies.

Be well and happy.

My Book: http://tinyurl.com/Relentlessbyspringer

Judgment Days

From our very conception we have been judged. In the name of health and well-being nurses and doctors tracked our growth to be sure we were developing as expected. Once born, we are bathed in an environment of opposites that teaches us about ourselves, our world and others. You are good or bad. Situations are black or white. Things are hot or cold. There seems to be nothing that exists that doesn't have a defined opposite.

We become so adept at judgment that oft times it is done without any conscious thought or intent. In mere moments we scan a situation or person, assessing and categorizing them based on our personal intake. It appears that there are no humans that escape this modus operandi. I would like to say I am the exception to the rule, but I would be lying. I have met a few who piously claim they are not judgmental, only to find them several days later calling another a "jerk". Just for the record, that falls under the category of judgmental.

We are also taught to not judge others, a judgment of judgment thrown into the mix to add further to the conundrum we find ourselves immersed in; judgment now becoming a moral dilemma. This dictate feels futile for as we discussed earlier, that's our navigational system for our entire existence and we are simply left to feel even more judgmental; this time, about ourselves.

In fact, we believe so strongly in our judgments that we begin to believe with great conviction that we are the almighty "right". Surely when we're right, they must be wrong; solidifying polarization on an even deeper level as we place ourselves on the "I'm superior to you" pedestal.

So if we can't completely escape what appears to have been hardwired into our brains, where does that leave us? I do not profess to have all the answers, only the ones that have worked for me thus far, as I'm a work in progress.

Step one is acceptance. Based on the knowledge that we can't function in this realm without the tool of judgment, we need to honestly accept that this is part of our humanity. Please note I said part of our humanity, not all. That's key because that's where step two comes into play.

Step two is conscious decisions. Now that we know and understand our dynamics a bit more, we can make more informed choices as we travel about our days. Which "part" of ourselves are we going to put into action? I suggest you ask yourself this the next time you become aware of a judgmental thought: "Is this necessary or important?" If the thoughts rattling around in your brain are simply commenting on the humid weather, than perhaps that's a necessary observation as you might need or want to seek physical comfort. But, if you're focus is the unfortunate size and shape of the woman's butt that happens to be in front of you, I'd put that on the spectrum of "not important". Here lies your choice and this is one of the tools I utilize when I find myself traveling down the "not necessary" road, I abruptly cease my judgmental thought and simply say in my mind to that individual, "May you be happy and healthy." It really can be that simple, and in keeping with the concept of judgment, is a much kinder approach to others that allows you the chance to then not get caught up in the vicious cycle of self-judgment.

Step three is realizing that you are part of the problem. Indeed there may be times when we are "right". Aunt Sally is downing a case of beer a day and she doesn't understand your concern with this behavior, that falls under the category of being "right". Being "right" does not automatically put one in the category of superior, however, and that's where we actually convey an energy that is more likely to keep another more entrenched in the exact behavior or action we have been judging. I think we can all agree that no one responds well to being judged. An air of judgment headed our way usually puts us in a defensive mode, feeling as though we need to justify and truly protect ourselves. Thus, we are more likely to disregard and discount another's suggestions or insights and stay fully enmeshed in the behavior or mode that is in question.

Step four is being an example. As hard as we try, and we have all tried too many times to count, we can not control another's behaviors. Perhaps our role in each others' lives is not to be the judge and jury, but simply an example. Emulate the behavior and actions you suggest another embody, that is the only place our power lies and is one that is more likely to create or support a change in others.

Step five is to repeat, repeat, repeat all the steps listed above. In practicing a less judgmental approach we are not always going to get it "right", don't worry I'm not judging you, but we can "get it better".

Be well and happy.

(One business note: Per Google you will now be required to have a Google account in order to read/follow this blog. I hope you consider doing just that.)

The Nothing To-Do List

It’s amazing what you can accomplish doing nothing. I have come to an important moment in a large project I’ve been working on and the next step in my recipe is to let it marinate. As it sits brewing I found time to spare.

Initially, I had a case of the heebie-jeebies wondering to myself what tasks I might cram into my open calendar. I felt the compulsion to be doing something, something deemed productive by society’s standards. But then I had some medical stuff come my way and the only sensible way to manage that was to plop my ample behind onto the sofa.

I wasn’t sick, I could have easily forced myself into motion and pushed on through. But, for what? Who was I going to impress, and did I really need to impress anyone? Nah. And so I committed myself to nada, nothing, zilch.

The world was at my fingertips, or at least the TV remote was and that was where I decided to start. I’m not a boob tube fanatic but I kept hearing things about the series Mozart in the Jungle and thought I would take a chance on watching an episode. Well, it wasn’t mind blowing but it was entertaining and required the exact amount of mental energy I had allotted for said occasion. I binge-watched all three seasons. Who knew I had it in me?!

For months now the book The Life We Bury has been popping up on my Amazon feed. I determined now was the perfect time to check it out, and that was just what I did at my local library. I found the main character engaging enough to finish the whole book. Bam!

I wasn’t only planted on my living room furniture. I also had time to exercise every day, adding in extra stretches and massaging a few aches and pains. I didn’t have to make the time, it was simply mine for the taking and I eased into it.

The snow fell in my neck of the woods and I was out there shoveling like everyone else. But, I felt no pressure to complete my task, often stopping to wander around the yard just to look at the snow and how it had been sculpted by the wind that came with it. I captured a few pictures of its delicate balance on a tree and a tree limb. I paused to take in the bright blue sky that spoke nothing of the severe weather that had passed through the night before.

With time to spare, I played a dice game with my initially resistant teenage son. My reward was that once all resistance faded he was the one that asked to play round two and competitive banter became part of the scene.

I took a half hour nap every day.

There was a delectable cup of coffee calling to me and so I took a frivolous twenty-minute road trip to a wholefoods store only for that one thing. A broad smile plastered my face as I left holding my scrumptious mocha latte that was made all the sweeter by the store full of employees and customers that were decked out in their most unfashionable fashions, pleasant greetings, and intentional eye contact their only accessories.

I laid on the floor with our two dogs. Just laid.

So you see, I found quite a bit to fill my days but none of it was from my to-do list. It all still needs ‘doing’ but it waits patiently for my return and focus. As my project sits stewing I too was steeping in my own concoction, one of bliss and contentment.  I was left feeling deeply connected to my world and this human experience.

So many times we are bombarded with lists and the pressure to set goals and move ‘forward’ from one task to the next, day after day. My advice, sometimes it’s healthier and more mindful to stop doing. It’s okay if somewhere in your day/days you simply exist, your worthiness will not be diminished in the least because there is a beauty and joy there too. It is there that you might find a precious piece of yourself and the simplest gifts of the universe.

Be well and happy. 

My Memoir: http://tinyurl.com/relentlessbyspringer