Trigger Happy

That, my friends, is a twist on words because when we are triggered we are anything but happy and are instead more likely to shoot from the hip with little concern for where the shot may land. The term triggered comes from those moments when we find ourselves caught up in some drama, either externally or internally. It might come from out of the blue and its origins vary, but once it has pushed the activation button within us we are in a reactive mode. While in that mental space we may be inclined to behave in a hostile nature or become over the top with our emotions. It can be people or situations that start the chain reaction but either way this is actually a gift (Did I just hear an, 'Oh, yay!' ?) that is being handed to us.

 

How do you know when you're triggered? Many times it is that initial, swift response to something that has been said or done. The emotion connected to it is intense and all consuming. "It" is upon you before you can stop and think. But once you do pause, the conversation going on in your own mind, or the highly charged talk as you share with a friend, is usually one of the first clues that an alarm has been set off. Rumination is the order of the day as the scenario and possible responses replay again and again in your psyche. The thoughts become intrusive in your day and no amount of willpower or self berating will keep them in check. Sound familiar? It does to me too, in fact I'm triggered right now.

 

I despise triggers. It feels as though some universal forces are playing with my life. My number has been called and now I play the puppet as I entertain the powers-that-be with my rendition of emotional epilepsy. I know better than that though, it is really me who has invited this dance that causes me to trip over myself.

 

I've done this work long enough to feel that first twinge, the emotional zinger that sparked the unfolding of what was to come. As a result of the most recent trigger I felt used and betrayed, a naive fool to have trusted in the intentions of another woman. This story reminded me of one I lived when I was 14. And just like then, I wanted to stare down my perceived threat and say, "You don't know who you're fucking with." I see my ego doing the fist pump as I type those words. I was ready for battle. Or was I?

 

No. I didn't really want to go to war with this person that stands in my life today and so I tried to take the higher road, but that only lead me to the realization that I had found my way to the land of denial. Denial of my feelings as I continued to fruitlessly obsess about not obsessing. My trigger was taunting me, continually setting off detonations in my mind. Truthfully, I just didn't want to deal with it, but ironically I was doing just that as it poked and prodded its way into my life. I had a choice, take the gift or allow myself to continue to be taken.

 

And so, I did a conscientious inventory of my inner world and not the external trigger. Let's be honest, its easier on some level to focus on the external as we imagine possible weaponry in our arsenal for the slightest provocation. It's much simpler to remain the victim of others and the world instead of holding and hearing ourselves, but that was where I needed to travel next if I was to find my way out of this hell hole.

 

I listened to my needs and emotions, not the rantings of my well seasoned ego. I permitted the sorrow and grieving its space. I cried. I longed for things both then and now to be different, and strove to accept that they weren't. As the dust settled from that initial trigger it was with clearer vision that I saw and felt that my naivete was not the actions of a fool but was instead the sharing of an open and loving heart; and I would do it all again because that is who I am. 

 

My gift? A precious piece of me that I had safely tucked away many years ago. The trigger was  deactivated and the obsession ceased.

 

The blast from a trigger unearths that which is in our way, creating an invitation and space for us to dig deep within ourselves. Life is providing us with constant lessons and opportunities to examine and understand our thoughts, patterns and beliefs. The world is not out to get us but is instead bountiful with moments where we can choose to heal and peel away another layer of that which shrouds our soul. Always, the intention is to unwrap and release and strangely enough, come to understand it is the triggers that can ultimately lead us to joy.

 

Be well and happy.